The Mirror Effect

When you look in the mirror do you have the objectivity to really see yourself for who you are? The image reflected back to us is often skewed with our thoughts and feelings, whether they be positive or negative, and I wonder if we really see our reflection clearly. Take this one step further and ask yourself how are you showing up in your interactions with other people. Do you feel heard and seen? Are you communicating clearly or do you feel misunderstood? Do you present as insecure, stubborn, tentative, or confident? Are you a people pleaser or someone who thinks they are always right? There are a multitude of questions that you can ask yourself.

In the work I do with the horse as co-coach, the answers to these questions become evident rather quickly. After all, horses don’t lie. If we pay attention to their responses, and if we are willing to consider what is being reflected back, we can learn a lot about ourselves. It’s certainly an opportunity to create change and actually grow.

Several years ago when I was working with an adult student in my arena on a somewhat windy day, Jane (not her real name) was worried that the horse, Morgan, would not do well in the wind. She thought that the wind would cause undo fear in Morgan which would make it hard for her to ride. She thought it might be best not to ride at all. Although valid concerns, in that on any windy, breezy day things can blow, I knew that the unflappable Morgan would not be bothered by the wind.

As I continued to teach and as Jane continued to ride, all the while expressing her concerns, I asked her what was really going on. Her concerns were now getting in the way of her ride and it was obvious they were affecting how she rode Morgan. She responded by sticking to her mantra that the horse might be affected by the wind and in fact the horse was already acting funny because of the wind.

Hmmm. Jane was not only nervous about the wind but now blaming the horse’s behavior on the wind.

I asked her to look out in the pasture at my herd of horses.

“What do you see?”

“I see horses grazing.”

“What is their emotional state right now?”

“Well, actually they are very peaceful and calm.”

“Do you think the wind in the pasture is the same as the wind in the arena?”

There was a dead silence as she understood the point I was trying to make.

I then asked her to put an “I” in front of her concerns. Although it may seem obvious, she was reluctant to admit that she was afraid of riding in the wind. When she spoke the words out loud, “I am nervous about riding in the wind. I had a bad experience once,” she instantly released that turbulent, internal, energy she was carrying. Energy that was not only holding her back but holding Morgan back as well. As Jane settled down so did Morgan.

As I explained that Morgan was merely mirroring her energy, it was easier for Jane to accept this fact and own how she was showing up. In fact, she felt a certain freedom in being able to see herself for who she was verses being captive to her fear resulting in a lack of control. She also understood that by blaming Morgan she was giving away her ability to have a positive experience. While this epiphany did not erase her nerves, Jane was better equipped to take control of her fear when it presented itself. And she did this my simply noticing Morgan’s responses or changes in behavior.

When Morgan reacted in a wonky way, Jane was able to recognize immediately that she was feeling nervous again and took appropriate measures to settle down. This put control back in Janes hands which also increased her confidence in the saddle. The rest of the lesson went well as Jane worked on her riding and her nerves. And Morgan was happy to accommodate as a willing co-coach!

This is one of my favorite examples of the mirror effect. It is one thing when a coach tells you A, B, or C. But you have to wonder if anything that is being said is landing. Is the client getting the message? Or are they still unable to see and own how they are showing up?

With the horse as co-coach my clients are more apt to take ownership. Why? Because the results are immediate. Change a behavior and you can change the experience. In this case Jane had to recognize her fearful state, own that it was true, and decide what she wanted to do with this information. She had two choices. One, not to ride. Two, continue to ride while working on her fear by owning it and releasing it. I typically suggest breathing techniques for releasing energy. In Jane’s case when the fear rose, she owned it and breathed through it, while continuing to ride. The breath tool helps to quiet the mind and calm the nerves.

I remember quite clearly how happy Jane was having this new tool in life. She really embraced the information and made a big effort to ride through her fear. Every time that bubble of fear arose when a little gust of wind blew through the arena, she stuck with her ride, breathed through the fear, and Morgan responded accordingly by remaining balanced and calm.

If all of this positive stuff happens as a result of working with the horse, what would it mean for other aspects of a clients life? Can a person learn to be more self-aware as a result of this process? The answer to this is a resounding YES! Life lessons that happen with the horse can certainly translate to life outside of the arena. Once we can objectively see how we are showing up in life we have the ability to change and grow and continue to become better versions of ourselves.

Kim Chappell, M.Ed., Instructor and Equine-Facilitated Life Coach. Copyright 2023.